If you ever wanted to become a beauty influencer, the time is now. Sure, the market is crowded with influencers, YouTubers, and those dreaded beauty editors, but with time on your hands, ask yourself, do I have what it takes to be America’s Next Top Beauty Guru? But in these times of socially distanced people and so much extra downtime, our regular beauty routines won’t do. Instead, it’s time to trade out our traditional regimens, now that we have all the time in the world.
Zoom in on these pores! My 770,356 beauty step routine
Nothing beats a relaxing 12-step routine, but why stop there? Level up with not one or even two more steps but 770,344 more steps. Cleanse, cleanse again, look in the mirror and question your existence, obsess over that red spot—or is it just a smudge on your mirror?—tone, exfoliate, essence, call your mom, cry in the shower, and start all over again. Repeat until you can’t repeat it anymore.
How to take your beauty look from the living room to the bedroom
The living room to the bedroom is the new uptown-to-downtown chic. Your living room is all about that French-girl chic—Byredo candle burning, plants galore, and a thrifted rug and/or couch. In this tutorial, we’ll focus on mastering the perfect carefree updo (tips include rolling out of bed and placing scrunchie from the floor in your hair) and transforming that into an effortless low ponytail for your pillow. If you’re worried about mastering the look, don’t fret, you get to wake up and do this all over again tomorrow and the day after that.
How to get the perfect red lip that will never smudge
First, outline your lips and apply the lipstick. Second, stand at least six feet away from other people. Voilà!
Double cleansing? Who has the time? We do!
Double cleansing is excellent, but have you tried triple cleansing? You follow your same routine of cleansing twice, but for a third time, you cleanse as recommended by the CDC: sing a song like “Think,” by Aretha Franklin, which was recommended by the official Aretha Franklin Twitter account. Sing “Happy Birthday” twice to yourself. Better yet, sing Stevie Wonder’s version of “Happy Birthday”—that should give you something to do for at least the next hour.
Watch Paint Dry: the world’s most intense at-home manicure
It’s time to get those nail beds in shape. Paint your nails, patiently wait for them to dry, add an hour of additional just-to-be-safe downtime, and continue painting.
How to get the perfect cat eye, so you feel a deeper kinship with the only living creature you’re still able to hang out with
- Stare at your feline to really take in the power of their eye shape
- Cuddle and pet your feline to feel the energy of the cat eye
- Grab your most trusted black eyeliner and begin
- Outline your eye in a way that would make ancient Egyptians worship you
- Take a selfie with your cat and you and post on Instagram
- Get 20 likes
How to make your makeup look go from day to night, inside
You’re not a busy gal about town. You’re an isolated indoor queen. This tutorial will help you take your makeup (none) from a soft daytime look of defeat to a jazzy nighttime look of exhaustion. All you need to do is sit quietly in your home to protect the wellbeing of society. Best of all: no tools necessary!
D-I-WINE
Ever wanted to master a James Charles, Olivia Jade, or other controversial YouTuber’s tutorial but never thought you could do it? Meet wine. You’ll have the liquid courage to cut those creases, fluff those brows, nail the contour to the gawds, and other things wealthy teenagers say. All you need is a bottle of wine, your favorite YT tutorial, and a friend who will be honest and tell you to stop going live. Now! Sorry, we know it’s a gathering of less than 10 people, but the CDC said no more lives. 🙁